Old Timers: Metallica - "Kill 'Em All"

Remember when Metallica used to be good? It was a long time ago, but I'm sure one or two of you out there have a vague memory of the amazing thrash brought by these guys back in the day. Sure, they are more recently known as the whiny bitches that took on Napster or the guys that put out that giant hunk of shit known as St. Anger, but that doesn't mean they shouldn't be recognized for their past accomplishments. Since this is the case, I'm going to take it upon myself to give them some credit by talking about how killer their first album was.

Honestly, these guys managed to bring a whole new generation of people to metal, and they also did a great job on improving a lot of what was around at the time. Metallica wanted to play their choons louder and faster than anybody else, and they proved it on this bad boy. When Kill 'Em All first came out, it didn't really get a ton of recognition, but that just seems to happen sometimes. Nowadays people know how head-banging this fucker is, and that's all that matters. This one's got some of the most ripping guitar work you'll ever hear, and since we at the Belly think ripping guitar work is totally fuckshark awesome, it ranks pretty high with us. Plus, Hetfield's voice is one the most recognizable in all of metal (besides Rob Halford from Judas Priest, of course), and this album is where we first got to hear it. Who can't love those weird little accentuations he puts on the ends of certain words?

This record is a circle pit waiting to happen, and that is just gnar. Songs like "The Four Horsemen" and "Whiplash" are classics that deserve to be listened to again. Don't let them just sit there not being played. They'll thank you for it.

Here they are live playing "The Four Horsemen."

Review Your Face Off: Bullet for My Valentine - "Scream Aim Fire"

Many people may think we here at the Belly just love everything since we've never put up a bad review about an album. That is changing right now. We cannot let our readers believe we are not up to the challenge of tearing apart a shitty album, because we most certainly are! In fact, it's more fun half the time ripping on a load of heaping garbage anyway. It lets the world see how big of jerks we actually are. So what record are we going to use to unleash this new column? Well, how about a really bad one? Yeah? That's what you want? You got it! Enter Bullet for My Valentine's "Scream Aim Fire."

While the band name alone should let everyone know that shit is about to follow, the album name certainly gives a second warning. Not only that, but did you know you can get a special edition of this crap with a 1 GB bullet-shaped USB storage device included? I shit you not, at least according to their Myspace. Oh, the joys of marketing. But why would someone have to be drawn to this album with free gifts? Um... because it fucking blows, that's why. These cum guzzlers are doing their best to be all thrash-metal about it, but instead this album just sounds like an uninformed shot at Metallica's sound with a touch of whatever they are calling the music My Chemical Romance plays these days.. It's beyond basic and mediocre. And, oh boy, some of the songs have cheesy keyboards! Hoo-fucking-ray! I sure am glad all the other scenester 'metal' bands out there aren't trying that! This is so new and awesome!

The lyrics hit a new high on the laughable meter, and the vocals themselves are hella lame. Homeboy's got no range and sure likes to sing. The song structures are boring, and these d-baggers seem to see the need to work in an epic rock ballad in between every few songs. It's completely watered down for MTV consumption and then some. Hasn't anyone figured out that poppy metal is an oxymoron? I'm labeling this 'petal metal.' In case you don't get it, it's metal for teenage girls that still have their hymens in tact. This shit is worse than From Autumn to Ashes. Not possible, you say? Put money on it and listen to this. I'll let you know where to mail the cash.

Seriously, do yourself a favor and shoot your little sister before she buys this so you never have to hear it. You know which one I'm talking about; the one with the pink streak in her hair and the Atreyu sweatshirt. She has a pair of Converse All-Stars that she really thinks are punk and a messenger bag with 'The Used' embroidered on it from Hot Topic. Still don't know which one? Come on, man! The one that's 12 and uses all your mom's money to buy records with dying roses and crying girls on the packaging! Alright, now you remember. Yeah, make sure she doesn't get this, because if you ever have to drive her to the mall to buy more socks to wear on her arms, I guarantee she'll try to pop this into the CD player. Trust me, you'd rather hear pussy farts.

Heavy Rotation: Fellas of the Belly (Jan. 25)

Here we go for another round of the weekly audio assault and battery... So head to your local record shop, used-music joint, black market, or iTunes Music Store and pick all of these up... cuz we said so... and cuz if we be spinning it, they be winning it (what?) ... BUT no Circuit Shitty or Worst Buy, come on. Are you serious? Burn the hive, Bellions... Stop the buying. Whenever possible... BFoH fully supports the trade and barter system... You'd be surprised how far and how many 40's a gutterpunk grilled cheese sammich can get you... Remember, it's the more you know... (insert awesome shooting star graphic here)... Or don't listen, see if I give a shit... But really, just get down on this week's Rotation... And see if you can find the special guest appearance!

Spleen Latifa:
01. Breather Resist - Charmer
02. Career Suicide - Attempted Suicide
03. Girls Against Boys - Venus Luxure No. 1 Baby
04. Coliseum - No Salvation
05. The Locust - Plague Soundscapes
06. Suicide Note - You're Not Looking So Good
07. Paint It Black - CVA
08. The Letters Organize - Dead Rhythm Machine
09. Ninety Pound Wuss - Ninety Pound Wuss
10. Fucked Up - Epics In Minutes

The Hellion:
01. Da Brat - Funkdafied
02. All Shall Perish - The Price of Existence
03. You and I - The Curtain Falls
04. Neil Perry - Lineage
05. Cex - Role Model
06. Screeching Weasel - Wiggle
07. Hassan I Sabbah - Discography
08. Behind Enemy Lines - Know Your Enemy
09. (Young) Pioneers - Free the (Young) Pioneers Now!
10. Pageninetynine/Majority Rule - Split

Spleen's Old Man:
01. Foghat - The Best of Foghat
02. Foghat - Fool For the City
03. Foghat - Night Shift
04. Foghat - Stone Blue
05. Foghat - Foghat Live - Two Centuries of Boogie
06. Foghat - Live II
07. Foghat - Rock and Roll Outlaws
08. Foghat - Energized
09. Foghat - Boogie Motel
10. Venom - Black Metal

Dispatches from Powerviolence: Commence the Televised Takeover.

Damn it, this is one trend that I hope keeps fuckin rolling along... Just like my shock with the Charlie Rose story earlier, I really wanna damn thank whoever it is in these board meetings that is pushing for little seedlings of straight up powerviolence to enter into our mainstream media world...

Late late last year, Jimmy Kimmel had the Buffalo shitty dudes, Every Time I Die, as a music guest on his show to play "We'rewolf" (which you can find at the end of this post in case you were a dumbshit and missed television history in the making... you're welcome). And just yesterday, I got wind that the mighty Dillinger will be making a performance appearance on the mighty Late Night with Conan O'Brien... Did you hear what I just fuckin' said? On Feb. 6th, DEP and Conan will meld into one mechabruiser and destroy everything between your retinas and the back of your scalp in one powerviolent swoop! ... Brace yourselves... Here's the official statement from the band: "We're playing Conan O'Brien on Wednesday February 6th....and it's not a joke. Really? Really. And you thought Cloverfield was the only time this year you'd be able to see New York get destroyed by monsters. Other guests include Heath Ledger's corpse and Asian Steve." ... Here that? ... That's the sound of your soul being crushed, whipped into a froth, transmogrified back together again, and then smashed back into shitty little pieces.

Now relish in the awesometown that was ETID on the Kimmel... It's good for what ales ya.

Every Time I Die on Jimmy Kimmel Live

GnarVideo of the Week: Against Me! - "Stop"

I know for some reason people are becoming divided on this band... But I, for one, will always take the position that I stand behind these cats, in whatever decisions or ventures they choose. However, their validity and relevance is not what's up for fuckin' discussion here... This is a Gnarvideo post, riptigers! So anywho, this new video for a cut off their album, New Wave, was spit out onto the interweb this week, and slip-slided across our Belly radar... At first, honestly, it'd didnt grab right me off the bat (black and white, band playing on a tv show while the band is also watching said band on the tv... got it, alright) ... UNTIL there was a quick shot of a familiar face, clean shaven and in a suit!! ... And who was this pseudo-dapper gentleman with a giant grin on his face?? Well it was that lovable hulking scamp, Paddy Costello from Dillinger Four! .... Holyfuckdamnshitfuckassdamn! ... Dropping this bomb on the viewers instantly made the video turn into fucking gold, in my opinion. And also cuz you know how much us Fellas of the Belly absolutely loooooove destruction.

So check it out... Watch Paddy play a drunken, square, washed-up talk show host with the greatest of ease and skill, harkening an airtight performance like Ben Afleck in his career-making role in Reindeer Games. The decision to cast the Padrock should instantly saintify the AM! boys for everyone... Have a looksee and decide for yourself, jerkfaces...

Against Me! - "Stop"

How 'bout an Interview, Dummy: Dark Touch (Easy E) of The American Black Lung

Today is your lucky day, Bellions. Why? Well shit, because we are throwing up an interview with one of the most sharkfuck bands to ever bring the rock; not to mention they are cool as hell. We managed to get a hold of Dark Touch (formally Easy E) of The American Black Lung and get an interview that has all the elements of a good time: gnarness, humor, and a touch of love. So saddle up and read on. This is how dreams are made!

Belly Full of Hell: Does ABL have any bands you think we here at the Belly should check out that may (almost) rock as hard as you? You know, like bands that have influenced you or you just think rock the shit right out of a new pair of pants?

Dark Touch (formerly Easy E): Funny you mentioned "rockin the shit out of pants", because one time while watching Tucson, AZ's very own BLUES, i literally shit myself. I was going for the whole "fart to make my stomach feel better" routine, and sharted my (luckily enough) VERY OLD pants. (myspace.com/lettherockfuckyou) (ok, i just completely made that story up... but Blues kills.)

BFoH: How did everyone end up with such bad-ass names (Dusty Rhodes, Diamond Rhino, etc)? We took a vote and feel they were not given at birth.

DT: Your vote was correct. The names were conceived by one particular rock god who, at the time of the names conception, was eating a Whopper. And by the way, for the rest of this interview I hereby am dropping the name "Easy E". I am now "DARK TOUCH".

BFoH: A little birdie told us that you guys have worked your keisters off. How tough was it to actually get out there and start to get recognized?

DT: I could've sworn i shot that damn birdie! We've been taking every tour we could get for the past 2 years, including the '06 Warped Tour which was the toughest thing we've ever done. In the process we met a few really great people who helped us out tremendously with getting the word out.

BFoH: How and why did you dudes lose your thunder-banger (aka drummer)?

DT: He left the band for one yoko-ono-esque disaster girlfriend. The loss paved the way for an even more thunder(er) banger(er), RUDE RUDY REEFER RIVERS!



BFoH: We noticed that you rely on people to help book you in certain towns. Does this usually work out, or do you ever end up stuck in some town with nothing to do except kills roaches in a HoJo's? Also, are the people that give a hand usually fans, friends, promoters, zombies?

DT: We mostly work with promoters/bands that we've worked with before, which leads to killer shows. IN the past, we've had the occasional permazoid book us, which leads to a outrageous drunken night in a walmart parking lot (whoop whoop!). Fortunately, that is happening less every tour.

BFoH: Although the Lung came out with a rippin' album fairly recently, we here at the Belly want more. Is there any music in the works, and if so, when will the sonic bombs be dropped?

DT: Yes yes yes yes. We are, in fact, planning on releasing a split with that particular shit inducing rocker from tucson, BLUES. Look out for it late spring.

BFoH: When you guys aren't shredding peoples' faces off, what do you guys do? What are your day jobs? Do you collect stamps or something to stay busy? Do you all hang out in a grocery store parking lot with your car hoods open listening to Motley Cure?

DT: Everyday we hustlin'. I (Dark Touch) cook, Dhusty drinks, Johnny jams (along with Rudy), and Diamond.. I don't really know what diamond does. We save bumpin Motley Crue in the parking lots for tour.

BFoH: Do you have any insanely weird stories from touring around? We like to believe that you fellas end up in ridiculously rock n' roll situations. If you really don't have any, make some up.

DT: Of course! Stopping at hundereds of truck stops, shady hotels and houses across the country pretty much guarantees you some ridiculous sights. Bums with broken legs make for great photo op's. You can steal anything in a walmart chicken bag (anything). A large group of deaf gay men are very intimidating, dont try to negotiate with your own "sign language". Absinthe in germany is much stronger than one might think. And p.s., when you run into us be sure to ask why Diamond is wanted dead by the German mafia.



BFoH: Will you write a song for us here at the Belly? We'll write one for you guys and sing it a cappella if you do.

DT: Absolutely. I've been working on one since i started this interview.

BFoH: Could we be honorary members of the band since we most definitely have real American black lungs in our chests right now?

DT: No lungs needed at all! YES, you can be honorary members of the Black Lung Crew. Initiation is quite brutal, but you seem like true ragers so you shouldn't have to much trouble.

BFoH: Who are some of the bands that you've toured with that you guys thought were the most fun?

DT: Holy smokes, every band thus far has been amazing to tour with. Our BFF's are the Jonbenet, This Is An Empire, Blues and all the other great bands in tucson. Those bloody brits Death Defying Life sure know how to drink.

BFoH: What's the coolest part about being in a band like ABL? The chicks? The rocking out? The fans? The bloody noses and bad-ass scars?

DT: Well, obviously all of the above. But other than that, the coolest part is while i'm working this shit dead end job, i have something to look forward to (because ANYTHING goes on tour). and yeah, the chicks are pretty bomb.



BFoH: Are you guys as tired of hearing about the Beckhams as we are?

DT: Yeah, until i heard they are 100% CGI - then i had mad respect.

BFoH: We know that The American Black Lung feels music today is way to corporate and boring. We completely agree. What do you think it's going to take to get people to realize that all this mainstream stuff is complete crap? We're pretty sure you guys can single-handedly stick it to man, so don't let us down.

DT: We haven't exactly figured out the exact formula for that, but right now we are living day to day with a positive mental attitude, with love and respect for all we come in contact with. We try to express that through our jams, so maybe that will catch on to the rest of the world and there will be some revolution. Until then, rage hard.

BFoH: What is the music scene like out in the southwest? Is it hot? Get it?

DT: It really depends who you are i suppose. For most, it's kinda luke-warm. The kids that come out to our shows are the most genuine people, and make us smile every time we play. So sure, hot as hell!

BFoH: Speaking of the southwest, we would like to start seeing you guys wearing those goofy ponchos with those wacky southwestern patterns on them. Can you make that happen?

DT: No way man, i've worn one of those before. They're itchy as hell and TOTALLY impractical.

[BFoH editor's note]: Mr. D. Touch is sooo right. Blues is totally fuckin' sick as all fuck. Expect a "Found You, Asshole" or "So Sick It Hurts" in the very near future.... Stay tuned... Same Belly time, same Belly channel.

Heavy Rotation: Fellas of the Belly (Jan. 18)

Here's a special, little treat for you Jackbags and Jillholes... The Heavy Rotation a night early!! (Actually, it's not for you, it's for me... Way to think we really loved you... We just wanted the roadhead, dummies... It's cuz we're married to the highway, baby. That's just the breaks... And it's also the breaks that I won't have computer access til Monday night, so I wanted to get jazz up here on time). So lap it all up Bellions, it's your weekly injection of the shit we been jammin', that you should be jammin', cuz we were jammin' it, and you want to be jammin' what we're jammin' cuz eveyone wants to be jammin' what we're jammin' cuz we're jammin' it..... Jammin'...... Now feast!

Spleen Latifa:
01. Cloak/Dagger - We Are
02. Career Suicide - Anthology of Releases: 2001 - 2003
03. Avail - 4am Friday
04. Das Oath - Das Oath
05. Baroness - Red Album
06. Ceremony - Violence Violence
07. Guttermouth - Gorgeous
08. Camaros - Glad, Evil, and Bad
09. Lords - Swords
10. Brutal Truth - Kill Trend Suicide

The Hellion:
01. Godspeed You! Black Emperor - Yanqui U.X.O.
02. U2 - War
03. Leatherface/Hot Water Music - Split
04. Cloak/Dagger - We Are
05. Helios - Eingya
06. Foxy Shazam! - The Flamingo Trigger
07. Heart - Greatest Hits
08. Harkonen - Shake Harder Boy
09. AC/DC - Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap
10. Santa Sangre - Feast for the New Gods

Dispatches from Powerviolence: Dillinger on Charlie Rose

I seriously had a fuckhard time deciding if this should be in the Dispatches category or an Important Moments In... Either way, it could totally be both, and it's powerviolence nonetheless. The best way i can sum this up is probably by what I said when I first saw it: "What the hellfuck? Since when did Charlie Rose take Jasta's spot on Headbanger's Ball?" .... Yeah, it was that kind of nutty... I really just wanna sit down with Rose's production people and figure out how this giant, glorious mindfuck happened... Shouldn't he be interviewing Angelina Jolie about buying foreign children, Johnny Depp about coming out of the closet, or that dude who owns Virgin Records about his plans for space travel affordable enough for the fuckin' middle class?? What intern of his (who, I'm assuming is secretly is like us, and has amazing taste in music) infiltrated the system, and told them to interview the mighty DEP?? Regardless, however it went down, I think I need to buy someone a drink... But chances are, that someone will be me.

My favorite part of this is how Charlie's gang describes the band on his website and youtube page: "The Dillinger Escape Plan {DEP} is a heavy metal rock band [whose] lyrics are nonstop dystopia. But the words hardly matter." ... I'm sure someone in a meeting totally said "Yeah! Say it like that! That'll scare the middle-Americans!" I feel like that sentence should be read by the movie trailer voice guy... Fo realz... Anyway, I'm rambling... Without further chatterboxing, just watch the damn video already:

Important Moments in Powerviolence: The Belly Crosses 5000

That's right, folks! The Belly has passed 5000 hits. Now, this may not be a big number, especially for blogs like Microsoft Tech Support, but here at the Belly, we think it's pretty fuck-shark awesome. Just look at it on our counter! Just look! It's beautiful. Five is just such a pretty number. Part hard-angles, part swoops. Glorious. Of course, now we need to hit 10,000. Then we get five fucking digits up there. Let's do it!

GnarVideo of the Week: Hour of the Wolf - "Spit It Right Back"

Zombies.

Sick fuckin' basement show.

What else do you need to hear?

Well, seeing as though you're still reading on and not watching this crowning music video achievement, even after I told you there are damn zombies at a sick gnarfest basement show in it, I'll just assume you're a trainable and have stumbled across this beautiful site whilst on your break from collecting shopping carts in parking lots or toweling trays dry after they've been washed at McDonald's... But either way, you're here, nesting down with us, and trying to get some selfish spooning going so you can secretly feel the friction against our fuckprods... Even if but only digitally... And for that, we thank you! And which is also why we try to cram you up to the gums in vids that should be more than just blips on your radar...

So anyway, this one is no different... it's from one of the sickest bands going strong right now, it's low low budget (always a plus), and it's got fuckin' zombies in it!!! ... Eat it. Cuz I love it.

Old Timers: The Dead Milkmen - "Big Lizard in My Backyard"

It’s 1985, the year the United Nations decided to call International Youth Year. The San Francisco 49ers defeat the Dolphins for the NFL Championship. It is the 40th anniversary of the atomic bomb being dropped on Japan, and DNA is used in the first criminal case. But none of these events are anywhere near the importance of one thing: The Dead Milkmen release Big Lizard in My Backyard this year.

It’s always nice when a band puts out some rockin’ jams, but it’s even better when they put out rockin’ jams that are also funny. Fortunately, this album contains these types of songs. They are catchy and witty, as most of you should already know. Not bad for their first LP, right? Right.

While the sound stays fairly true to simple punk/college rock, there are certainly other influences. There’s a little bit of country, some rockabilly, a touch of reggae. Of course, using these styles helps with comedic effect, but they are also just cool. That’s right, cool. I’ll say it if I want to, and I just did. Eat it. I dare you. The thing that’s so great about this little gem is that they do manage to keep the music fun. Sure, it’s not always PC, with songs like “Takin’ Retards to the Zoo,” but do we really always need to be so nice? The answer is obviously a no. Nice is for social workers (sometimes). I’m not a social worker, and I think it’s funny to see old ladies fall down on ice in winter. Does that mean I’m going to Hell? Well, no, because Hell doesn’t exist, but I don’t think I would go to a hypothetical hell either. I will also not be going to any sort of hypothetical hell for liking The Dead Milkmen. That’s just the way it is.

At any rate, this album is great. It’s simple and fun. It’s humorous. It’s danceable. It’s all you need in a good record. Unleash her again.

The Dead Milkmen - "Punk Rock Girl" (even though it's not on the album... but everything else on youtube was just shitty)

So Sick It Hurts: Shook Ones - "Facetious Folly Feat"

I dunno why it's taken me so long to post something up about these bruisers, but fuck it, here it is... So quit your crying already, or I'll turn this place into a tomb... *Which happens to be one of my mother's favorite things to say to me when I was a child... *True story... Anyways, if you don't already have this album shredding straight through the thin fleshy mass that is your eardrum on a daily rotation, you are at best a dummy in my eyes, and will never be anything more... *Again, true story.

So let's say you are one of these said dummies that hasn't sauntered the way of the Ones Who Have Been Shooken, and you are curious as to why you should... Well, that's why I'm here... For you and you only. First off, it's been a long time since I've listened to a whole album all the way through that's given me such erratic leg and arm convulsions as this one. Kinda like the first time I heard the Super Bowl Shuffle or Fleetwood Mac's "Somebody's Gonna Get Their Head Kicked In Tonight"... Like that erratic. Seriously, walking down the sidewalk, I can't help but fight the urge to jut my leg out like I was putting the heel of my foot through a television screen, or windmill my right arm at 634 revolutions per minute, or even pantomime gripping the neck of a shitty Fender and whipping it in the air back and forth like i was fanning a dying campfire about two feet above my head... Yeah, that erratic.

Not only just that jazz, but the singer's voice sounds like mine does after a four-night, 16-packs-of-parliament-lights bender bathed in Jameson whiskey... One that harkens back to Jason Shevchuk's days with that gift from the heavens, Kid Dynamite. No wonder Dan Yemin and his Paint It Black boys support these cats and their vicious jive... Fuck, who wouldn't? So regardless, even if you ignore my ranting and filibustering over this band, just walk away knowing these guys are the real deal... Pure adrenaline, pure attitude, pure aggression, pure viciousness, pure heart, and pure damn speed... All without having to be some floor-beat, breakdown-milking, high-kicking, unity-touting, faux-toughguy bullshit 'core band... Don't look confused, you all know when the scenes took a nosedive for a cartoony bit there.

Oh, and they pick the sickest of support too! ... Rounded out the end of the year with Trap Them, hit the Fest in the gatorstate, and now are going to hit the left coast with Hour of the Wolf... Tasty!

Shook Ones - "Carms Race" & "Pheasant" (live, @ ACB in Tokyo)
... (Best part of the video is at 0:15 when the guitarist hams up his awkward white guy hardcore guitar leaps for the cam. Oh we have sooo all been there at least once before. Enjoy!)...

Heavy Rotation: Fellas of the Belly (Jan. 11)

Booyah, welcome to Friday! Time for the rotation!

The Hellion:
01. MC Hammer - Please Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em
02. Yakuza - Transmutations
03. Weezer - Weezer [Blue Album] (...don't ask...)
04. Ms. John Soda - Notes and the Like
05. ISIS - In the Abscence of Truth
06. Chuck Ragan - Feast or Famine
07. Fennesz - Venice
08. Bloody Panda - Pheromone
09. The Mars Volta - De-Loused in the Comatorium
10. Destroyer Destroyer - Littered with Arrows

Spleen Latifa:
01. Fifteen - The Choice of a New Generation
02. Graf Orlock - Destination Time Yesterday
03. Baroness - Red Album
04. Sikth - Death of a Dead Day
05. Lifetime - Somewhere in the Swaps of Jersey
06. Behold... the Arctopus - Skullgrid
07. Paint It Black - CVA
08. JFA - We Know You Suck
09. Pig Destroyer - Phantom Limb
10. Funeral Oration - Funeral Oration

Dispatches from Powerviolence: Ratboy Sidelined from ETID Tour

So we here at the Bells Bells of Hells Hells just got word that Every Time I Die's skinsman, Mike Novak (affectionately known in the Buffalo Shitty Dude's camp as Ratboy) won't be participating in their winter tour that's about to commence in a hot minute. Here is an official statement from the band on the sidelining of their silent drum pummeler:

"We here at Every Time I Die Inc. regret to inform you that Michael "Ratboy/ Red Nuff/ Nuff Daddy/ Ol Hundreds" Novak will not be taking part in our upcoming tour with Killswitch Engage. He has suffered a very painful back injury while slam dunking a basketball at the park. Fortunately a wonderful gentleman by the name of Steve Bache from He Is Legend will be filling in drumming duties. We hope that Mike recovers quickly and is both behind his kit and back on the court in no time. See you soon. Love ETID"

Check out Mike and Jordan on a break from recording The Big Dirty and spending a day at Disneyland in California... shits laugh laugh bearfuck.

Ratboy and Jordan of Every Time I Die do Disney:

Momentary Lapse of Evil: Fang - "Destroy The Handicapped"

Apollo G's for the delay, but I really want to start exploring this column a little more... And start spelunking it like it was a cavernous cove o' catacombs... Obviously, cuz it just makes me giggle to think about. Anywho, raise your gnarfists for me if you've never been delighted by the audio presence of the gentlemen in the Berkeley 80's punk outfit, Fang... That's right. I see you, assflutes. I see you... Anyway, in a quick and painless refresher for you moonheads that fit into that category, Fang is usually aligned in the crop of bands like The Wipers, Melvins, Flipper, etc that laid the blueprint for that little-talked-about scene that popcorned out of some coffee-drinking city in Washington state in the early 90's. I think they called it grainge or gringe, or something, I forget... But regardless, no matter how sludgy and crazy fang got (or even downright, dare i say, experimental) this one song in particular just always piqued my interest the most cuz of its red-flag, should-i-be-singing-along-to-this, and-if-do-will-i-go-to-hell nature. And maybe cuz mi madre teaches Special Ed kids didn't help either... But regardless, it never failed to get my fist pounding on the steering wheel while I awkwardly yelled "Destroy the Handicapped!" at frightened people in neighboring cars at stoplights. And that seriously is the bee's knees to me, folks... So check out the lyrics below and see if you agree with me on the induction of Fang's wonderful anti-challenged swan song into our Momentary Lapse of Evil Hall of Fame...

"Destroy the handicapped!! (4x)

Don't like those wheelchairs
Wanna push 'em down the stairs
They get in my way
They make the goverment pay
They run into me
They drool all over me
They don't know how to pee
God help me

Destroy the handicapped!! (4x)

Blind people can't see
They bump into me
Deaf people can't hear
They have defective ears
Line em up against the wall
Throw a grenade, watch 'em fall
They are so fuckin' lame
They're scared to run away

Destroy the handicapped!! (4x)"

....... And for the uninitiated, here is some live footage of Fang from 1986... I couldn't find any of them doing 'Destroy the Handicapped', but this little ditty in the vid is pretty much the one they're known for...

Fang - "The Money Will Roll Right In" (live)

Old Timers: Beastie Boys - "Ill Communication"

Ahhhhhhh shit! Ya herrrrrrd me! What can honestly be said about the Beastie Boys? Everybody already knows they kick ass. Everybody already knows they’ve managed to hook in people that would normally try to stray away from hip-hop, for whatever reasons they may come up with. Everybody already knows that these motherfuckers are goofy as hell. I’m mean, what else could you want from them?

Ill Communication is a hella album, plain and simple. Not only does it provide us with the breaks and rhymes we all know and love, but it also hooks us up with some of the Beastie Boys tracks as a New York hardcore band. True, they were awful as said hardcore band, but it’s still fun to hear them give it a shot sometimes. Overall though, the hip-hop tracks are the obvious standouts. They provide a fresh feel while including a heavy does of the old school sound, and that is just what the doctor ordered (I assume). Who can stand still to “Root Down”? The answer: no one. Even that tough-acting-straight-edge-hardcore-‘I only listen to Blood for Blood’-guy out there can’t help but dance. Sure, he’ll play it off as if he’s making fun of the song, but the fact is, he just wants to get down. Don’t be embarrassed, homeboy. All your tough-acting-straight-edge-hardcore-‘I wear my Boston baseball cap backwards cuz it proves I wanna fight’-guy friends are thinking the same thing. Once you get moving, they’ll all join in on “making fun” of the song, too. I’ve seen a million times before. Then they light a blunt and all get turned on to heroin and prostitutes.

But seriously, this album is one of those that can be turned on at your friend’s place and everyone seems to know every word. Hell, it’s got fucking “Sabotage” on it. You can’t even pretend to not like that song. Even priests pour holy water on themselves, drink the sacred wine, eat all those cracker-things they like so much, and dance naked to that song. It’s that good. I bet the only guy that doesn’t like it is Mike Huckabee, but fuck that doucher anyway; he doesn’t count. He’s like a god-bot or some shit. Uncool, brotha.

Alright, enough of my babbling. Pull this album out and put it on. Play it loud. Invite people over. Have a goddamn good time for once. You know you haven’t since your bastard child was born.

A refresher aka "Sabotage"

So Sick It Hurts: Chuck Ragan - "Feast or Famine"

The breakup of Hot Water Music was one of the worst things to ever happen in this world, but luckily, the boys did not simply disappear afterwards. As many of you know, three of the fellows from HWM went on to form The Draft while Chuck decided to go solo. Although The Draft was a pretty big disappointment, Chuck’s decision seems to really have paid off. He instantly obtained a huge following of those interested in his new folk jams, and for good reason. Almost every composition Chuck has released from his solo project has been hella talon; this includes everything from his 7” Club, his live album Los Feliz, to his first studio full-length Feast or Famine, which we’re looking at here, Bellions.

From the opener “The Boat,” you know you’re in for something pretty gnar. While obviously not as boisterous as any Hot Water release (It’s folk, nerd! Think more along the lines of HWM’s side-project Rumbleseat if you need a stepping stone in between the two), Chuck still manages to hold onto a certain sense of urgency and rockishness (that word is made up but coming to Webster’s soon). Almost all the songs have that head-nodding quality to them, which is impressive since there is barely any percussion on the record. Actually, I like that a lot, because it gives more of a “solo album” feel to the record. Don’t get me wrong, there are more instruments than just Chuck’s guitar on the songs, but most are a little more subdued. Plus, you even get some banjo in there. Fuck yes!

Tracks like “Do You Pray?” just make you want to get up and dance ‘round the barn with yer best gal without giving a fuck, while others like “Geraldine” let you get your softer side on. Let’s face it, as hardcore as we try to be, we all have a little love in our hearts. Chuck knows that, and he delivers without getting overly sappy on us. Thanks, man. Not only for giving us a manly outlet for tears, but for creating a fucking badass record that you’d have to be crazy not to like.

Check this out as soon as you can.

Here's Chuck playing "The Boat" live:

Heavy Rotation: Best of 2007! Woot Woot!

Well, friends, 2007 led to the release of some pretty gnarly albums, and it wouldn't be fair for us to keep all these gems hidden from you, so how about a list? We thought you'd like that! You're all so predictable, just like us. And I'm predicting you want me to get on with the lists, so here goes (in no particular order, no specified amount, and without repeating each other). Oh, and remember, not all of these are going to be heavy music. 2007 saw the release of great albums in many genres. If you have a problem with that, we don't really care. Plus, it's really hard to come up with these lists, so let us know if you think we missed something. We probably considered it, but had to stay within limits. If you guys put up your lists though, other readers can check all of that shit out, too.

The Hellion:
01. Thee More Shallows - Book of Bad Breaks
02. Blonde Redhead - 23
03. Whitechapel - Somatic Defilement
04. Bloody Panda - Pheromone
05. The American Black Lung - Sudden Departure of Vultures
06. Between the Buried and Me - Colors
07. Horse the Band - A Natural Death
08. Calabrese - The Traveling Vampire Show
09. Piano Magic - Part Monster
10. Chuck Ragan - Feast or Famine
11. War from a Harlots Mouth - Transmetropolitan
12. Bracken - We Know About the Need
13. See You Next Tuesday - Parasite
14. Dying Fetus - War of Attrition
15. Job for a Cowboy - Genesis

Spleen Latifa:
01. Dillinger Escape Plan - Ire Works
02. Off With Their Heads - All Things Move Toward Their End...
03. Destroyer Destroyer - Littered with Arrows
04. Architect - All Is Not Lost
05. Trap Them - Sleepwell Deconstructor
06. Every Time I Die - The Big Dirty
07. Hour of the Wolf - Waste Makes Waste
08. Blues - Snakepit
09. Poison the Well - Versions
10. The Chariot - The Fiancee
11. Pig Destroyer - Phantom Limb
12. The Tony Danza Tap Dance Extravaganza - Danza II the Electric Boogaloo
13. Bomb the Music Industry! - Get Warmer
14. The Red Chord - Prey for Eyes
15. A Life Once Lost - Iron Gag
16. Baroness - The Red Album
17. Gallows - Orchestra of Wolves

Heavy Rotation: Fellas of the Belly (Jan. 4)

Open the floodgates, fuckrazors! Your favorite fellas of the Belly are back from the never-ending holidaze and we've got some catching up to do... This marks the entrance to the what will be a forgettable 2008 jazzed up with our own brand of vernacularly destructive and sexy hate (...with lots of rhyming apparently). So let's kick this thing off with a shotgun buckshot of the one column that keeps a dirty hangnail under the pulse line of what wax you should be currently spinning with your damn self... the Heavy Rotation.

Spleen Latifa:
01. Kid Dynamite - Kid Dynamite
02. Deadguy - Fixation on a Coworker
03. Glass Casket - We Are Gathered Here Today...
04. F-Minus - Suburban Blight
05. Sex Positions - Sex Positions
06. Bane - Holding This Moment
07. Gaza - I Dont Care Where I Go When I Die
08. The Riot Before - So Long, the Lighthouse
09. Gang Green - Another Wasted Night
10. On Broken Wings - Some Of Us May Never See The World

The Hellion:
01. Terminally, Your Aborted Ghost - Inanimately Soundless
02. Whiskey Sunday - Maldecido
03. On Fire - This Time It is Forever
04. Send More Paramedics - The Hallowed and the Heathen
05. David Bowie - Hunky Dory
06. Planes Mistaken for Stars - Up In Them Guts
07. Hot Water Music - Caution
08. The Red Chord - Prey for Eyes
09. Destroyer Destroyer - Littered with Arrows
10. Godspeed You! Black Emperor - Slow Riot for New Zero Kanada

Bonesaw:
01. The Absence - Riders of the Plague
02. High on Fire - Death is This Communion
03. Big Business - Here Come The Waterworks
04. Between the Buried and Me - Colors
05. The Dillinger Escape Plan - Ire Works
06. Dimmu Borgir - In Sorte Diaboli
07. The Black Dahlia Murder - Nocturnal
08. Darkest Hour - Deliver Us
09. Pig Destroyer - Phantom Limb
10. Clutch - From Beale Street to Oblivion

Rabble Arouser:
01. Lifter Puller - Fiestas and Fiascos
02. The Queers - Grow Up
03. Man Man - Six Demon Bag
04. The Clash - Cut the Crap
05. Fugazi - 13 Songs
06. NOFX - They've Actually Gotten Worse Live
07. The Kinks - Lola Versus Powerman and Money-Go-Round
08. Patti Smith - Horses
09. Built to Spill - Live
10. Radiohead - In Rainbows