GnarVideo of the Week: HeWhoCorrupts - "Master of Profits"

I'm seriously beginning to smell a theme running rampant through this column of ours... and one could assume that this theme in question is probably that of this that probably is of what we assume would and could only be "brutal fucking comedy". Sorry folks. It appears we love to rage just as much as we love to slip into a comfy pair of gigglepants (and spaghetti-writing for comedic effect, apparently). So we admit it, we like to snicker a bit and maybe let loose a healthy guffaw while relishing in the violence and aggression of the shitshow that is our tastes.

So regardless, we present yet another exercise in the delicious comedy/brutality cocktail we do so much enjoy. This week's installment comes from the Homeland ("Chicago" for the uninitiated) by way of the sinister, evil, nudity and piccolo snare-friendly, money-hungry corporation parading themselves as a chaotic hardcore group called HeWhoCorrupts. As audience members, we get to take a front row seat to quite possibly the most amazing 9-5 cubicle world ever recorded on video... If only my workday could be so entertaining... I don't want to give anything away, for it needs to be seen to be believed, but I shall leave you with the drabbest (yet most poignant) summary of what your about to watch... from one of the corporations own PR agents: "Under pressure from CEO Tommy Camaro, the boys from Hewhocorrupts take to the office and discover an ingenious way of making money." Enjoy... Cuz I've got two words for you, and they aren't Happy Birthday.

Review Your Face Off: Rumpelstiltskin Grinder - "Living for Death, Destroying the Rest"

The name of this band sucks. I mean, it seriously sucks. It's probably one of the lamest names I have ever heard. It would be one thing if you could tell the name was a joke, like Cannabis Corpse for example, but I don't think that's the case for these guys. I think they just have a shitty name.

Fortunately, even though the band name may be completely stupid, the music is pretty good. There aren't a lot of bands coming out with straight-up thrash albums anymore, but RSG thinks that shouldn't be the case. Because of this, they drop Living for Death, Destroying the Rest on us, and I thank them for it.

While this isn't the greatest record I have ever heard, it kept me thoroughly interested from beginning to end. It's got the sweet speed of thrash, but also manages to keep some melody. And of course the riffage is gnarlier than being in middle school and seeing your best friend's older sister having a naked pillow fight with her hot buddies. Those were the days...

I would say this album could actually bring some interest back to a genre of metal that is usually only looked upon for nostalgia. While your mind will always immediately flash to the Big Four when thrash is mentioned, I think RSG manages to update the style with a bit more technicality and ingenuity than a Megadeth album. Check it out!

Here's some ridiculous video I found by someone who thought it would be a good idea to put RSG's "Darkness Never Ending" over Braveheart clips. Whatever.

Old Timers: Immortal - "Pure Holocaust"

Black metal is fucking awesome. Sure, it might need to be absorbed with a good sense of humor, seeing as it is so over-the-top, but then again, a lot of shit is over-the-top and still amazing. We all know the whole deal with what constitutes black metal: worshiping Satan, church burnings, face paint, goofy black outfits with spikes all over them, skulls on stakes and goat/pig sacrifices at shows, etc, but did you know one of the bands to help get all that started was Immortal? I bet you didn't. To be completely honest, I bet a lot of you don't even know who the fuck Immortal is. This is your wake-up call.

Before bands like Dimmu Borgir brought black metal to a more general audience, there were a ton of other bands lurking around Scandinavian countries laying the groundwork for this music. Bands like the Darkthrone, Emperor, and the murder-loving Mayhem were among the first to create the sound we would consider black metal today. And I know a bunch of you are going to be like, "Hey man, actually bands like Celtic Frost were first-wave, blah blah blah," but I'm talking about the solidified sound, not glorified thrash metal. Got it? Good. Let's move on.

Well, Immortal was one of those bands involved in the second-wave sound; the one we think of today. And they were killer. With Pure Holocaust, they also managed to create a genre-defining album. And let's get something straight: Although many black metal bands did infuse themes of National Socialism into records for shock value, much like the Sex Pistols, this album mostly contains themes about landscapes in Norway and the demise of the human race; it's not a Skrewdriver album. So don't get on my case about Neo-Nazi propaganda.

So what makes this album so great? Well, let me tell you! It's got everything one could possibly love about black metal. It has the progressions and speed, along with the ghoulish vocals. The imagery is dark and bleak, and we all love dark and bleak. Plus, just look at the cover! It has to be good! I remember trying to dress like Immortal in grade school, but my mom wasn't having it. Part of that last statement was a lie, but which part? That I tried to dress like Immortal, or that my mom wouldn't let me? You may never know.

But seriously, listen to this album. If you have never heard real black metal, this is a good place to start. It gives you everything you want. It's sexy in a demonic kind of way. It's also just plain terrific.

Heavy Rotation: Fellas of the Belly (Feb. 6)

What up, fools? That's all I got. To the Rotation!

The Hellion:
01. GZA/Genius - "Liquid Swords"
02. All Shall Perish - "The Price of Existence"
03. Nas - "Illmatic"
04. Tim Hecker - "Harmony in Ultraviolet"
05. The Assistant - "In the Year of the Dawg"
06. The Clash - "London Calling"
07. Flowers from the Man Who Shot Your Cousin - "Hapless"
08. Mogwai - "Mr. Beast"
09. Beastie Boys - "Paul's Boutique"
10. Unleashed - "Hammer Battalion"

Spleen Latifa (FAIL.)
01. Graf Orlock - "Destination Time: Tomorrow"
02. I Farm - "So My Kids Won't Have To"
03. Choking Victim - "Squatta's Paradise"
04. This Bike Is a Pipe Bomb - "Three Way Tie for a Fifth"
05. Combatwoundedveteran - "I Know A Girl Who Develops Crime Scene Photos"
06. Pink Razors - "Waiting to Wash Up"
07. Ghostlimb - "Ghostlimb"
08. Slayer - "Undisputed Attitude"
09. Sebadoh - "Harmacy"
10. Assfactor 4 - "Sports LP"