Review Your Face Off: Bullet for My Valentine - "Scream Aim Fire"

Many people may think we here at the Belly just love everything since we've never put up a bad review about an album. That is changing right now. We cannot let our readers believe we are not up to the challenge of tearing apart a shitty album, because we most certainly are! In fact, it's more fun half the time ripping on a load of heaping garbage anyway. It lets the world see how big of jerks we actually are. So what record are we going to use to unleash this new column? Well, how about a really bad one? Yeah? That's what you want? You got it! Enter Bullet for My Valentine's "Scream Aim Fire."

While the band name alone should let everyone know that shit is about to follow, the album name certainly gives a second warning. Not only that, but did you know you can get a special edition of this crap with a 1 GB bullet-shaped USB storage device included? I shit you not, at least according to their Myspace. Oh, the joys of marketing. But why would someone have to be drawn to this album with free gifts? Um... because it fucking blows, that's why. These cum guzzlers are doing their best to be all thrash-metal about it, but instead this album just sounds like an uninformed shot at Metallica's sound with a touch of whatever they are calling the music My Chemical Romance plays these days.. It's beyond basic and mediocre. And, oh boy, some of the songs have cheesy keyboards! Hoo-fucking-ray! I sure am glad all the other scenester 'metal' bands out there aren't trying that! This is so new and awesome!

The lyrics hit a new high on the laughable meter, and the vocals themselves are hella lame. Homeboy's got no range and sure likes to sing. The song structures are boring, and these d-baggers seem to see the need to work in an epic rock ballad in between every few songs. It's completely watered down for MTV consumption and then some. Hasn't anyone figured out that poppy metal is an oxymoron? I'm labeling this 'petal metal.' In case you don't get it, it's metal for teenage girls that still have their hymens in tact. This shit is worse than From Autumn to Ashes. Not possible, you say? Put money on it and listen to this. I'll let you know where to mail the cash.

Seriously, do yourself a favor and shoot your little sister before she buys this so you never have to hear it. You know which one I'm talking about; the one with the pink streak in her hair and the Atreyu sweatshirt. She has a pair of Converse All-Stars that she really thinks are punk and a messenger bag with 'The Used' embroidered on it from Hot Topic. Still don't know which one? Come on, man! The one that's 12 and uses all your mom's money to buy records with dying roses and crying girls on the packaging! Alright, now you remember. Yeah, make sure she doesn't get this, because if you ever have to drive her to the mall to buy more socks to wear on her arms, I guarantee she'll try to pop this into the CD player. Trust me, you'd rather hear pussy farts.