So Sick It Hurts: Low Red Land - "Dog's Hymns" and "Weight of Nations"

Ok, truth be told, this was just going to be a So Sick about Low Red Land's brain-flooring and practically pitch-perfect "Dog's Hymns"... but as I was refreshing my memory of the brilliance that is that record, I was reminded of the stepping stone brilliance that paved its way: their previous monstrous effort, "Weight of Nations". Perplexed with how to approach this gnarcolumn, not wanting to sacrifice any opportunity to turn any of you loyal Bellions onto ridiculously talented and masterful artists you might not have came across yet, I decided to make this So Sick more just about the band itself, since I'm including both their full-lengths, which to my knowledge is pretty much their discography. I promise to keep that a one-time occurrence, since we probably don't want this to evolve into just a mere gushing over a rad band, but rather keep it about an over-the-top sick record you need to own, like, yesterday.



So anywho, where do I begin? Fuckin Low fuckin Red Land... Fuck... I will go out on a limb and say "Dog's Hymns" is probably one of the few records that I would truly refer to as a "cinematic triumph". No joke in the slightest. Each track after track just paint and evoke such vivid, and often haunting, representations of our most basic of feelings: be it despair, triumph, regret, optimism, loss, camaraderie, rage, nostalgia, sadness, etc. It baffles me how this band can capture more raw, gritty, aggressive emotion in one verse than some brutal bands can in an entire album, let alone their entire career. But this isn't even the clincher -- They can do it in a song that is most assuredly the opposite of brutal. Hell, they can even do it with just a fuckin banjo. And if you can make a banjo stir up such visceral feelings that can make a brain feel like it's on autopilot, lost in a movie scene directed by the accompanying tragic/inspiring lyrics, you win.

But don't get me wrong, these guys are not some sad-sack piece of shit weepy band... They construct every turn of their musical landscape with fucking teeth. They deliver those kinds of sentiments that can hit you in the gut like that first time you saw your tough as nails father accidently let a little of the waterworks show through his stonefaced exterior, to only choke it back down again into forgotten existence. Shit, I have never heard so many songs one after another that would be the quintessential soundtrack behind every shot in a movie where a character stands lips pursed staring off into space... I'm looking at you Gus Van Sant... And I haven't even begun to talk about the songs where the singers fucking YELL. These cats have shredded throats can peel paint off a '74 Dodge. The range of the tunes are seriously fucking batty. I dunno, I could totally be in the minority with these claims, so you'll just have to pick up these two records and decide for yourself. But seriously heed this call, cuz I really doubt you'll be disappointed in the slightest.

Low Red Land - "Dog's Hymn" (live @ Monkeywrench Books SXSW '08)


Low Red Land - "Dreams That Heroes Dream"

So Sick It Hurts: Disfear / Doomriders - Split 7"

When I first got my grubby hands on this 7", I was happier than a frat guy with a garbage can full of jungle juice. Disfear is one of my favorite bands, and Doomriders never disappoints. Bellions, this is a marriage than can not go wrong.

The split contains one song from each band, and both are top notch. Disfear delivers a little number called "Fear and Trembling," and it is one of the best songs I have heard from the band. The Swedish D-Beat group decided to add a good amount of melody to this track, and it adds a new dimension of emotion that sits pretty with the usual urgency these guys are known to project in their music. Fantastic song on all counts. Any fan of the band needs to hear it.

While Disfear represents with ONE of the best songs they've ever written, Doomriders presents THE best song the band's ever written. "Crooked Path," which is also available on their latest release Darkness Comes Alive, is everything you could possibly want from these fellows. It too introduces a bit more melody than usual, but keeps the same edge you would expect. The first time I played this song, I had to listen again. Then I listened one more time. I'm sure this will rank in your top three Doomriders jams. If it doesn't, the Spleen will mail you ten bucks.

This record is a limited pressing, so pick it up as soon as you can. You can thank me later.

Disfear playing "Fear and Trembling" live:


Doomriders "Crooked Path" with a picture of the 7". (I hate it when people do this.)

So Sick It Hurts: Wolfbrigade - "Comalive"

When I first listened to Wolfbrigade's Comalive, I thought to myself, "Can an album be this fucking gnarly? Is it possible?" Yes, friends, it is possible, and I thank Satan himself for such greatness and for allowing us to rage this hard. I thank Wolfbrigade, too, but not as much.

Known as Wolfpack before the late 90's, these Swedes have continuously pumped out righteous D-Beat crust for our listening pleasure, and Comalive does not disappoint in the least. I seriously cannot stop listening to this record. Expect to see it show up on many "Heavy Rotations" to come, assuming we actually start writing them again. I suppose I just can't get enough of the pure speed and sonic mayhem, the crunch of the guitars that just beg for fist-pumping and generally debauchery, or the vocals that make me want to yell along until my throat feels like sandpaper (with blood on it, of course).

D-Beat and crust punk is not about technicality and precision, but leaving those things behind opens the door for straight-ahead rock and roll. Wolfbrigade embraces this and delivers an album that just shreds the hell out of everything around you. Seriously, I just looked at my bed, and the whole thing was shredded. The beer can next to me? Shredded. The cats? Shredded to bits. The letter Wolfbrigade sent me saying they weren't sorry for shredding the fuck out of all the shit in my room? Completely destroyed. (It was shredded.) Don't get me wrong, this album isn't sloppy or something like that, it just doesn't pull any punches for masturbatory noodling. It's in your face like a zit in seventh grade. This album fucked your mom.

Buy this, but make sure to remove anything you want to keep in good condition from your house.

Check out the video for "Ride for a Fall" on Comalive below:

So Sick It Hurts: Carnifex - "The Diseased and the Poisoned"

It's been quite some time since we decided an album was gnarly enough to warrant a coveted SSIH spot, but I think this release truly deserves it. This album is seriously brutal.

When this album first starts playing, I'm assuming most will think it sounds like every other deathcore disc out there right now. I understand this feeling. That's what I thought, too. But then something starts to click, and the record begins to take off a bit. Things get a bit faster and the guitars start to shred like taco cheese. The growls intensify and the percussion sounds dead on. This is when the listener will probably start to get the idea that this album might be worth the time. It's pretty good. Solid. On par. Then comes the first breakdown.

Seriously, these breakdowns are fucking insane. At the first destructive chug, I was hooked. Carnifex essentially took the essence of real death metal and paired it up with beatdown/moshcore. So when that pit starts, I'm not talking some Norma Jean circle in the suburbs; I'm talking straight-up, terrorizing mayhem. This is the soundtrack to bloody faces and broken limbs.

Like I said, everything else is solid, as well. The band is technical enough to keep you interested and even has dueling screams/growls to mix everything up. When I first heard this, it sounded like a mix between All Shall Perish, The Acacia Strain, and old On Broken Wings with an extra pinch of death metal.

This record has been on constant repeat since I got it. Check it out, but make sure you are ready to rage beforehand.

Check out a live vid of the song "In Coalesce with Filth and Faith":

So Sick It Hurts: Origin - "Antithesis"

Holy fuck.

Technically, I could just end the review right there. I mean, you already know this album falls under a "So Sick It Hurts," so you should already be on your way to buy it, but adding a review with only the words "holy" and "fuck," in that order, should get the point across. But I love you all too much to throw up a two word review, so I'm going to continue on.

This album is about as brutal as it gets. I think technical death metal is super rad, so, believe it or not, I also think this album is super rad. Funny how that works. This record is just plain destructive. At every turn, there seems to be something waiting to bludgeon you over the head. It's kind of like when you were younger, and you just got Doom for your computer, and you still kind of sucked at it so you would walk around with that fear in the back of your mind that imps were going to rush out of the next room and massacre you. Then sure enough, that exact thing happened. Remember? Yeah, you remember.

Origin just knows what's up. They know the kids want technicality, but they don't want to sacrifice rage. They also know that pummeling speed is a necessity, so they make sure that plenty of that was added to this bad boy. They also know that weird alien-looking covers are cool. Alright, maybe they aren't that cool, but I'll take it.

Just listen to this. Words aren't going to get you headbanging.

The video for "Finite." Check out how goofy they look.

So Sick It Hurts: Lords - "Fuck All Y'all Motherfuckers"

This is going to be a bold statement... so seriously brace yourselves, kids... Kentucky's brashest of the brash, the mighty Lords, might have quite possibly bottled up and laid down a record that comes the closest to sonically delivering a glimpse at what it's like to be The Hellion and I. Meaning, if you were to take our personalities, our interests, our tastes, our tendencies, our views, our traits, our ticks, our demeanors, and our all-around fuckedupedness meets righteousness, toss it into a blender set to violently mix, then dump said contents onto a vinyl copy of any Motorhead, MC5, or Stooges record, smooth out the mess, cauterize it to the wax disc with a crème brûlée torch, then pop that fucker onto your turntable and turn it up to 11... Fuck all Y'all Motherfuckers is what you'd get.

It's all quite simple... this album fucking rips. It's been a little bit since an album so gritty and dirty has come along where I have a hard time figuring out if I should be pumping my fist and cussing out people I despise, or viciously bashing my teeth in with a metal pipe, or drinking hard and bangin raw, or simply just shaking my ass a little bit while i listen to it. Cuz seriously, track after track on this glorious beacon of hope makes feel like doing all of the above.

From the incredible teeth-gritting one-liners that pull through above the nihilistic chaos ("It all looks like shit / because it really is", "This is why I don't give a fuck", "Everything I see, I wanna kill", etc) to the the raw, biting, and reverb-heavy production, this album is a straight up kick to the teeth... Fully living up to the most wonderful description ever: "Lords, from Louisville Kentucky, are like Black Flag and Black Sabbath getting into a fist fight at stonehenge." ... I think I just peed a little.

Lords - "The Legend of Reginald" (live/instrumental, NYE '07/'08)

So Sick It Hurts: Unleashed - "Midvinterblot"

*Editor's Note: The following review was sent to me from a new writer who shall be worshiped under the name GnarHammer (now using Old Iron Blood). Hailing from Iceland, this sexy piece of man knows a thing or two about the metal that will have you thrashing into oblivion. Let's give him a warm welcome.*

Góðan daginn, one and all and welcome to my rant about the merits of Scandinavian metal as exemplified by Unleashed, the Lords of Viking Metal with their 2007 release: Midvinterblot. There will be NO arguing or whining about how "great" or "badass" American "metal" is in comparison because such things simply do NOT exist in the face of such UTTER sonic greatness that is Unleashed. It will be as if someone says to a meat eater that eating such fare is no better than eating fibrous vegetable slush. Complete lunacy! If you persist in your futile debate I will have no choice but to call upon Þór to smite you. No Valhalla for you, weakling!

There are few things in this Mortal world that bring happiness to a Norseman's heart besides bedding a fine wench, filling our bellies with ale in celebration of victorious triumphs over our weak enemies, breaking the skulls of said enemies, and doing so to the immortal slaying metal riffs of Unleashed. When the Valkyries themselves bang their long locks in reverence to such awe-some acoustic genocide then you know that you, pathetic weaklings as you are, should slit your wrists out of hopelessness for your so-called "metal" is nothing but the equivalent of sloppy feces. Your only hope is to give up all your ambition and pray, pray to Óðin that you may have a honorable death and not that of a peasant. All hail Óðin!!!

With such reverent lyrics as:
"Let's drink to Þór. The return of the Sun. And to our dead. Yes!
raise your horns. Hail Þór! Drink to remember our dead!
Midvinterblot!,"
the faithful legions of Pagans will start to stand and claim the pit. Watch yourselves, Christians, for we will take our revenge for your ravaging of our culture as described in SALVATION FOR MANKIND:
"YEAH, resurrect so I can vomit on the body of Christ!"
for ours is a culture that is proud and still strong as told in THE AVENGER:
"Upon this land his forefathers walked. The call from the past.
That warms his heart. Decades pass by, the changing of time.
Still there's a fire that burns inside. Óðin!...hear my call!
Óðin!...hear my call!!."
Metal and it's Lord of Lords, Death Metal, was born in the North and no imitation will stand. Eons have passed, but with such Metal Gods as Unleashed stoking the proud fires within with such war cries as:
"On the endless path of war
We may be torn or beat
but we have sworn to stand as one
In victory or defeat.

We are the immortals.
From hell we rise.
We are the immortals.
Death Metal-no compromise

Others follow the winds of change.
You came to swear allegiance.
No conformity at all.
We didn't come to reason",
we will rise in the face of our enemies and claim what's ours. All hail Óðin!!! All hail Þór!!! For Valhöll awaits! May we die in battle with our swords clenched!! All hail!!!

"The age of the commoner is over. The age of the warrior dawns!"

Here's a little video of Unleashed playing "Midvinterblot" live in Holland.

So Sick It Hurts: Cloak/Dagger - "We Are"

I'm about to throw out a statement that might shake a few of you uninitiated to the core, so prepare yourself... Ready?... I honestly think Richmond's blitzkrieg known as Cloak/Dagger have quite possibly made one of the best records of 2007, one of the best punk/hardcore records of the last two decades... and maybe even (and time will tell) one of my favorite records of all time.

I know, I know... that's three extremely heavy statements to just throw out there about a first full-length record by a band that's still earning their stripes on the road, pounding the pavement like good American hardcore purists. BUT seriously, go pick up this 14-song bomb-blast of energy and intensity and see for yourself. These cats will rock your fucking face off, then hop in their van and leave you in a cloud of sweat and dust. Just like when I found Career Suicide, there was instant shock to my system of that refreshing original hardcore sound I missed out on cuz I was born during its heyday. And I still think I'd give my left arm to be able to be 15 or 16 in 1980.

Follow me here, this single album makes me wanna yell along to the lyrics, kick random people who walk too slow on the sidewalk, rock out air-band style like there's no tomorrow, spit in the face of every physical incarnation that exists solely to keep me in a rut or cause frustration, smash anything that resembles authority, give the finger to meaningless existence, and just flat-out dance around like a nutbag... All the things that drew me into the '80s hardcore fold so wholeheartedly. This album is pure, unbridled angst and urgency, and it should not be ignored... "They Are" definitely powerful shit.

Cloak/Dagger - "Set the Alarm", ""Runways", "Bended Knee", and "Kamikazes" (Live at The Fest 6, Gainesville, FL)

So Sick It Hurts: Suicide Silence - "The Cleansing"

Suicide Silence wants to destroy you. Go ahead, ask them. I bet they won't deny it. Do they achieve this? Well, if they didn't, they wouldn't be so sick they hurt, now would they?

These fellas really do bring a pretty brutal experience to the table. For that, I say nice job. I've listened to this album quite frequently lately because I have been in the mood for something punishing. I am never disappointed by letting this bad boy take care of that thirst. While there are sludgier/breakdown parts, most of the album tears through the speakers with aggression depicted through speed. It's nice because the sound of the overall music has a place outside most of the cliche shit that bands have been putting out lately. Plus, there are death vocals. I love death vocals. They make me feel good inside.

I would certainly say this album is one of the better metal records I've heard recently, so you'd be doing yourself an injustice by not checking it out. It will pretty much just bash your head in. I, for one, love having my head bashed. You may want to check out their self-titled EP as well.

Here's the official video for "The Price of Beauty." Rage on!

So Sick It Hurts: Burnt By the Sun/Car Bomb - "Split 7""

I picked up this limited pressing a few days ago, and I have to say, it rocks something powerful. Car Bomb is represented by two tracks on the split, but both are on their debut LP, so that kind of sucks. Of course, both songs (Pieces of You" and "M^6") are technical beauty though, and that is just special. Burnt By the Sun only has one jam on this thing, but it instantly became one of my favorites by them. It's called "Goliath," and it will shred your face off. The only thing that kind of sucks is the recording quality on the BBTS side. The Car Bomb side is crisp and clear, but the flip is not so much. It's cool though. The artwork is killer, and it's on red or orange vinyl. Whoa!

Check it.

So Sick It Hurts: Shook Ones - "Facetious Folly Feat"

I dunno why it's taken me so long to post something up about these bruisers, but fuck it, here it is... So quit your crying already, or I'll turn this place into a tomb... *Which happens to be one of my mother's favorite things to say to me when I was a child... *True story... Anyways, if you don't already have this album shredding straight through the thin fleshy mass that is your eardrum on a daily rotation, you are at best a dummy in my eyes, and will never be anything more... *Again, true story.

So let's say you are one of these said dummies that hasn't sauntered the way of the Ones Who Have Been Shooken, and you are curious as to why you should... Well, that's why I'm here... For you and you only. First off, it's been a long time since I've listened to a whole album all the way through that's given me such erratic leg and arm convulsions as this one. Kinda like the first time I heard the Super Bowl Shuffle or Fleetwood Mac's "Somebody's Gonna Get Their Head Kicked In Tonight"... Like that erratic. Seriously, walking down the sidewalk, I can't help but fight the urge to jut my leg out like I was putting the heel of my foot through a television screen, or windmill my right arm at 634 revolutions per minute, or even pantomime gripping the neck of a shitty Fender and whipping it in the air back and forth like i was fanning a dying campfire about two feet above my head... Yeah, that erratic.

Not only just that jazz, but the singer's voice sounds like mine does after a four-night, 16-packs-of-parliament-lights bender bathed in Jameson whiskey... One that harkens back to Jason Shevchuk's days with that gift from the heavens, Kid Dynamite. No wonder Dan Yemin and his Paint It Black boys support these cats and their vicious jive... Fuck, who wouldn't? So regardless, even if you ignore my ranting and filibustering over this band, just walk away knowing these guys are the real deal... Pure adrenaline, pure attitude, pure aggression, pure viciousness, pure heart, and pure damn speed... All without having to be some floor-beat, breakdown-milking, high-kicking, unity-touting, faux-toughguy bullshit 'core band... Don't look confused, you all know when the scenes took a nosedive for a cartoony bit there.

Oh, and they pick the sickest of support too! ... Rounded out the end of the year with Trap Them, hit the Fest in the gatorstate, and now are going to hit the left coast with Hour of the Wolf... Tasty!

Shook Ones - "Carms Race" & "Pheasant" (live, @ ACB in Tokyo)
... (Best part of the video is at 0:15 when the guitarist hams up his awkward white guy hardcore guitar leaps for the cam. Oh we have sooo all been there at least once before. Enjoy!)...

So Sick It Hurts: Chuck Ragan - "Feast or Famine"

The breakup of Hot Water Music was one of the worst things to ever happen in this world, but luckily, the boys did not simply disappear afterwards. As many of you know, three of the fellows from HWM went on to form The Draft while Chuck decided to go solo. Although The Draft was a pretty big disappointment, Chuck’s decision seems to really have paid off. He instantly obtained a huge following of those interested in his new folk jams, and for good reason. Almost every composition Chuck has released from his solo project has been hella talon; this includes everything from his 7” Club, his live album Los Feliz, to his first studio full-length Feast or Famine, which we’re looking at here, Bellions.

From the opener “The Boat,” you know you’re in for something pretty gnar. While obviously not as boisterous as any Hot Water release (It’s folk, nerd! Think more along the lines of HWM’s side-project Rumbleseat if you need a stepping stone in between the two), Chuck still manages to hold onto a certain sense of urgency and rockishness (that word is made up but coming to Webster’s soon). Almost all the songs have that head-nodding quality to them, which is impressive since there is barely any percussion on the record. Actually, I like that a lot, because it gives more of a “solo album” feel to the record. Don’t get me wrong, there are more instruments than just Chuck’s guitar on the songs, but most are a little more subdued. Plus, you even get some banjo in there. Fuck yes!

Tracks like “Do You Pray?” just make you want to get up and dance ‘round the barn with yer best gal without giving a fuck, while others like “Geraldine” let you get your softer side on. Let’s face it, as hardcore as we try to be, we all have a little love in our hearts. Chuck knows that, and he delivers without getting overly sappy on us. Thanks, man. Not only for giving us a manly outlet for tears, but for creating a fucking badass record that you’d have to be crazy not to like.

Check this out as soon as you can.

Here's Chuck playing "The Boat" live:

So Sick It Hurts: Between the Buried and Me - "Colors"

I’m busting onto the scene like a bat out of hell, thanks Meatloaf. Who am I you ask? Well the Wu-Tang Clan rapped about me, Hour of the Wolf wailed about me, Hitchcock scribbled about me, and most of northern Wisconsin fears me; I’m Psycho Killa. Spelled with an “a” instead of “er,” to stay MTV generation compatible. ... So what if I just called myself by my pen name? I’m just trying to burn up some space here because I’ve never written anything besides someone’s order down at Scooby’s. I worked there as fry boy for 3 years and was elevated to cashier before I was offered this gig for a “brand new form of interneting” according to the fellas of Belly Full of Hell. I guess they invented blogs or something and…wait you wanted to know about the album right? OK, OK, here you go.

I was informed of this album by my friend Hallur Hallsson, yes he’s Icelandic, with these words:

“It’s… it rips. You just have to listen to it.”

So I took him up on that one. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed every other sonic adventure I’ve heard from these fellas, seemed a no-brainer. As I read into the album a little bit I realized it was receiving a lot of hype. I mean the album has a “trailer” for fuck’s sake. They also match “the brilliance of Pink Floyd, King Crimson, Tool, and Mastodon,” according to Victory Records website. Bah to you, Victory Records! I’m not really a fan of people comparing themselves to Pink Floyd, they always fall well short. Although nothing as ground breaking as Pink Floyd, the atmospheres present at times in Colors is reminiscent at times of the Floyd. I think Rick Wright, wind instrumentalist turned keyboardist, would be pleased with the comparison. Nonetheless this album rips and I think Between the Buried and Me have definitely catalyst themselves to the forefront of the progressive metal genre.

Colors definitely comes at you from many different angles. “Foam Born (A) The Backtrack” starts out lighter with some sultry piano and accompanying singing that gives way to some wondrously, synth-tastic melodies. Shagrath style vocals start the song morphing into “(B) The Decade of Statues,” a definitely heavier track with a chorus that seems to be played upon some foreign mountain top overlooking the sea as a blood moon rises. Yea, I went there bitches. BTBAM (always sounds like “Bat ‘um” in my head) provides yet another stellar song set that is a journey within each and have taken a step further with this album as it’s meant to flow from track to track. “Informal Gluttony” takes on the same foreign feel as the track gets ready to pummel you about a minute into it. As “Informal Gluttony” fades into didgeridoo and percussion goodness the first epic of the album bursts into your ears. “Sun of Nothing” clocks in at ten minutes fifty-eight seconds and provides you with a short Man Man style break. This track like the other epics and the album as a whole rips through you, sheds up the sound waves, and sails between many styles of music. Oh, I also forgot to tell you there is a western saloon style banjo breakdown in so be prepared for anything.

Just remember the Colors journey is meant to be a complete one, at least for your first time around. So time to burst your virginity with this album and bleed for metal!

Here you can check out BTBAM playing "Informal Gluttony" live. Make sure to listen for the horrible off-beat clapping by the crowd in the beginning.

So Sick It Hurts: Man Man - "Six Demon Bag"

Do you like carnivals and cotton candy that stains your whole mouth and face blue? Obviously. Have you always dreamed of capturing that feeling in music but then making it even weirder? If you said no, you're a fucking liar, and I'm calling you out on it. You can't sneak your bullshit past a gnarly glass-eater like me! So then it's settled, you love carnivals, cotton candy, and interesting music. Well, this is your lucky day. It's even luckier than the time you "accidentally" grabbed that sweet set of taters on that broad at the truck stop and then her burly man-beast of a husband slipped and fell on the freshly pissed-on floor before he could beat the living shit out of you. And why are you luckier than that? Because Man Man exists, that's why.

This album is fucking talon, and your homeboy-ass needs to go get it right now. Finish this article when you get back from picking it up.

...

Okay, so you got it? Sweet. Did you listen to it on the drive home in your Ford Explorer? If you did, then you know why I'm so stoked every time I put this bad motherfucker on. You also understand why I was talking about carnivals, cotton candy, and rickety rides that haven't passed inspection for forty years, especially when you heard those opening tracks, right? Yeah, I know, I didn't talk about the rides, but I should have. For those of you that decided to ignore my stellar advice, I'll let you in on what you're missing. These Philadelphia dudes create one hell of a musical style, which encompasses everything from rock to soul to, of course, circus music. It's so awesome. When I hear it, I want to swing from trapeze and tame lions and do some other carnivally shit. Every song is perfect for singing along to. It's also perfect for playing "what the hell is that instrument?", since these guys use everything and anything that makes some sort of musical noise. It's totally bitchin'.

I really think it's pretty close to impossible to actually get a feel of what I'm talking about unless you listen to it, so you should do just that. I think the best way to experience this band is to eat a bunch of acid and lock yourself in your room while blasting the jams. The combination of such strange music and you swatting at imaginary clowns is sure to get your parents to admit you to a mental hospital, and that's pretty cool because you'll probably have some killer stories to tell your friends when you get out. Anything to help with your popularity status, nerdbomber.

Check out the hell-slayers playing "Feathers" and "Engwish Bwudd" live.

So Sick It Hurts: Knights of the Abyss - "Juggernaut"

Knights of the Abyss. Hmmm, pretty dumb name if you ask me. But do we review names here at BFoH? No, at least not at this point. Do we review albums? Yes. Do we occasionally put up albums that are so sick it's like having your brains blasted out? Fuck yes. So stupid name aside, I'm going to let you all in on a little secret: Knights of the Abyss shred. Boy, do they shred. And look at that fucking album art! Is that a spaceship going to attack a star?! Holy fuck. That's so ridiculous it's awesome.

While I'd be happy to just have the cover art, I got an added bonus with the music. It's somewhere in between death metal and deathcore, depending on how you want to look at it. The vocals aren't usually as guttural as normal death metal, but they get there sometimes. The music's speed is paced closer to that though. It's pretty fast and has an overall extreme heaviness to it. Kind of like that heavy feeling you get when you find out your wife was fucking your family dog. Yeah, pretty close to that, I would say. It never gets too mathy or techy or anything, but this record wasn't made to do that. It was just made to make you love aggressive metal even more. It was also made to make you want to set puppies on fire and throw them at your grandparents. I bet your grandma and grandpa wouldn't even get mad. They'd probably be thrashing around the old folks home playing air guitar until one of their hearts gave out. I hope to do that when I'm old. Death by thrashing. Put it on my gravestone.

So I would go pick this album up if I were you. Cool artwork and hella music. Can you go wrong?

Here they are playing "Hadlock." I've seen better crowds at shows, but I bet these guys are in North Dakota or something.

So Sick It Hurts: See You Next Tuesday - "Parasite"

Proclaiming themselves to be making "brutal grind for brutal dudes," these four Michigan gentlemen are doing just that and more, since I'm sure there are one or two un-brutal dudes or broads out there that listen to SYNT. But here at the Belly, we are totally brutal, so we love their idea. I am still waiting for a band to make "lazy grind for lazy dudes" though, because I could get behind that more than anything. I've been known to be pretty lazy here and there. Mostly "here," because to be lazy "there" would require me to do something in getting to wherever "there" is, and that in itself is very non-lazy.

Oh, you want more info? Brutal grind for brutal dudes didn't explain enough? Alright, alright. Well, to begin, these guys are pretty brutal. And they play grind. Some dudes listen to it.

Fuck! You want more?! You Bellions are getting a little too greedy and expecting. Why do we always have to tell you about everything? Can't people just go and buy the disc? What if I was about to go put chains on the tires of my car for winter? What if I was going to run out and get some moisturizer for my pretty face? What if I was going to yell at that broseph who's dog won't shut the fuck up and shits in my yard? Well, lucky for you, I don't have a car, my face is the complete opposite of pretty and smooth, and I don't have a yard for any dogs to leave steamy Avenged Sevenfold albums (i.e. crap) in. So I guess I'll just tell you about the record.

It is brutal, and it is grind, but it's also hella. I saw these guys live and they tore shit up. They were so amazing that time stopped and we entered another dimension for a few seconds. The only way we were able to get back to Euclidean space and time was because SYNT were picked up in a helicopter by the government and flown away for experimentation. Believe it, it's true.

But in all seriousness, as we here at the Belly always are, See You Next Tuesday is pretty gnar. (That sentence just rhymed. If you missed it, read it again stressing "are" and "gnar".) They are fairly technical, which is always a plus, but I wish there was another guitar. One guitar just falls a little short. If these mans had another six-string shredder, my head would explode. The vocals are killer, with all octaves being hit perfectly. The singer's got a pretty decent range, and that is fun for everyone, even people with MRSA. The songs are short and fast, but what do you expect? No epics here, just straight up carnage. I think this album comes in at just over 18 minutes for 14 songs, so if you have 20 minutes to spare, instead of jerking off to your mom's Victoria Secret catalog, listen to Michigan's finest.

Here's the band playing "8 Dead, 9 if You Count the Fetus" in what looks like the middle of the street.

So Sick It Hurts: The Partisan Turbine - "Surgical Assault"

To start off, I am going to tell you right now that if you think you're going to walk into your local record store and pick this gem up, you're probably wrong. I think there were only 100 copies made. Maybe they pressed more at some point without my knowledge, but the last I heard, it was very limited. And that's just too bad, because this shit will fist-fuck you so hard you'll bleed for years to come.

The Partisan Turbine hail from New York, and apparently they have a lot to piss them off out there, because the boys in TPT decided to create a band that plays some of the greatest goregrind/death metal out there. This stuff is insanely brutal. The vocals are ridiculous. There are all the death metal favorites: pig squeals, high-pitched screams, and the obvious growls of destruction. In fact, they are so terrifying, if I heard these guys practicing in an alley somewhere, I'd throw my own girlfriend in there for them to eat as I ran away. They're that scary! The last song on this record is called "Vaginal Secretion," and that is spooky in itself, because I can't think of one type of vaginal secretion you want to see.

The bummer about this album is that it's technically an EP. There are 9 tracks, but a majority of them are instrumentals and other weirdness. But don't fret, they are working on a new album that is going to be released soon on Siege of Amida, I believe. It might be Ferret though, since the two teamed up. Either way, keep your eyes open for the new shit, because you're going to want it. While you wait though, make sure to pick up Surgical Assault, because this album will infest your body with maggots that will not stop feeding until your entire body has been gorged upon... or something.

Here they are playing to a sold-out crowd at Fin's Pub. I don't know where Fin's Pub is, but I don't think I'm going to be going anytime soon.

So Sick It Hurts: Calabrese - "The Traveling Vampire Show"

Happy Halloween, ghoulish minions of BfoH! We here at the Belly hope you all got enough candy to rot out your teeth and enough scares to sleep in your parents' bedroom! In celebration of a most righteous holiday, I have decided to do a review on horror punk dynamos Calabrese and their most recent album The Traveling Vampire Show. Put in your plastic fangs, you little bastards!

To begin, it needs to be made clear that Calabrese are probably the best horror punk band currently in existence. That alone should make you want to check them out, but if you're greedy, like most of you are, and want more reason to dial into their spookiness, keep reading.

Not that it comes as any surprise, but this trio of phantoms (actually all brothers with the last name of, you guessed it, Calabrese) brings blood-curdling lyrics involving werewolves, vampires, and other monsters to their songs. There are plenty of clips from old horror movies as well, and that is always sexy, especially if you know what movies they are from! (Fun fact: Their first album, 13 Hallowe'ens, took most of the clips from the original House on Haunted Hill. Can anyone say, "Vincent Price"? I sure can. The man was a god.) Also true to form, there are plenty of doo-wop sing along choruses and straight-up punk hooks. It's hella! As anyone who listens to horror punk can assume, the sound is close to, but not exactly like, that Misfits band I keep hearing about. They were all like, jamming around 50 years ago or some shit.

Point is, horror punk is fucking rad, and Calabrese is the best in the genre. The songs are fun and catchy like all horror rock should be, and the lyrics are spooktacular. It's just a great album. Make sure to check out 13 Hallowe'ens while you're at it, because that record is another that I wore down from repeated listening. Don't forget to catch them live if you can, too. I saw them and they were rowdy and fantastic. All around good guys, I say.

Check out the video for "Voices of the Dead." It's great. But watch out for zombies!

So Sick It Hurts: War from a Harlots Mouth - "Transmetropolitan"

With their first full-length, War from a Harlots Mouth are out to prove they have what it takes to hang with the big boys. By mixing math-metal, doom metal, hardcore, and death metal together, these whippersnappers have created a truly intense experience. And don't forget about the jazz influences! Is this what it would sound like if Coltrane did PCP? Um... well... fuck, let's just say probably, because Coltrane was all Coltrane about it. I don't even know what the fuck that means. But seriously, this shite is brutal as well as smart. The boys in WFAHM are not just amateur peckerwoods dicking around to the latest Atreyu record. These guys have talent. Actually, they are bursting with it. Bursting like a condom after you haven't had sex for 2 years (or ever; I'm looking at you Wilfred Brimley).

At any rate, War from a Harlots Mouth manage to keep things techy, but without sacrificing destructiveness. Since destructiveness is hella powerviolence, we're totally down with it. The screaming is primo, and the death metal vocals (including pig squeals!) are stellar. There are bits of downtime where the aforementioned jazz influences can be heard, but overall, this album is not in the mood to let anyone settle down for tea and crumpets. Besides, crumpets just taste like stale bread, so nobody wants them anyway. I'm pretty sure even the British don't, but they have no choice but to pretend to like them. I think there is some paperwork that is produced to newborn babies that is signed with their blood promising that crumpets will be kept in the pantry at all times and that they will be pretend-liked by all. I'd rather just go with graham crackers because those are delectable. But I digress...

Point is, this album is tasty like graham crackers, but not as dry. It's more like a S'more (You're killing me, Smalls!), with all its sticky and sloppy pummeling goodness mashed in between two pieces of technical mayhem. This may be the best review ever written.

Here they are bringing the campfire eats with "Riding Dead Horses is a Fucking Curse" live.

So Sick It Hurts: Doomriders - "Black Thunder"

What's not to love about this damn album? If you're not sucked in right off the bat to support Nate from the mighty Converge, you're just a plain dum dum... Or if you don't like albums that make you wanna take your shirt off, flex your wife-beater tan and beer gut, display your bled-out and faded bald eagle tattoo, grab a Daisy Duke type broad in cut-off jean shorts, smash some empty Old Style beer cans on your skull, and toss 'em out the window of your primer gray Camaro, shifting gears with your stainless steel skull shifter, while you patch out onto old Route 66 after sticking up a Mom and Pop roadside convenient with a snubnose pistol you lifted off your buddy named Rickets.... you are a dummy, and a jerk.

That being said, this is Doomriders' first full-length LP on Deathwish Inc. And I have to admit, after hearing their split with Boris, I was anxiously awaiting this record's release. There's just a fuckin' spirit that this record captures that feels like a breath of fresh air. I don't know if its the 80's hardcore punk ethos, or the 8 inch thick slab of sludgefuzz on every track, or the knod to balls-to-the-wall rock and/or roll of days past, or the fist-pumping anthems with hooks so hooky you'll be married to them for weeks, or the album art that screams radness to the tenth power. Whatever it is, this record's got it all... and it fuckin kills in the process. Do yourself a favor and pick up this album, like, yesterday... bring it home, make love to it, comfort it, and caress it... then in the morning, just plain eat it... fuckin ingest it... and hope some of its radly gnar powers of awesomeness rub off onto you through osmosis.

Doomriders - "The Long Walk" (live in Visalia, CA)