Let It Out, Brother: Graphic Hoodies

Sometimes we here at BFoH just want to vent. It's good to not bottle everything up inside, and I can't think of any way better to release steam than ranting out to the world. Since pretty much everyone in the entire world reads this blog, it's obviously the perfect place to accomplish such a feat. So what is it that is bugging me so much that I chose to set up an entirely new column for it? Graphic hoodies, that's what.

I fucking hate graphic hoodies. I think they are the platform shoes of our generation. Not only are they completely idiotic looking, but they are a staple for the dumbfuck hipster culture that has been pervading our world for the past few years. I don't get it, hipsters. You guys are all trying to act like you're so different and avant garde, yet every single one of you people are an exact clone of the person before you. Yeah, that's pretty different of you. Womens jeans and graphic hoodies. Sounds good to me, as long as every other idiot that listens to Clap Your Hands Say Yeah has one. You boners are just so anti-conformist that you must conform to your anti-conformity. That really makes a lot of sense, doesn't it? Actually, no, it doesn't. And on top of it, you people use the most ridiculous ways of trying to show your hipster status, graphic hoodies included.

Unfortunately, I work in a building that has recently started leasing floors to the School of the Art Institute of Chicago. Now, being forced to hang out around art schools is pretty rough in the first place, but the Art Institute is by far the most disgusting venue for these loser I have ever seen. Swarms of hipsters are just lurking around, reading Dry, wearing graphic hoodies, and eating tofu. Self-righteousness oozes from their pores, at least the pores that are not covered by hairstyles that include mullets and Hammer steps. It must suck when it gets kind of cold and these douchebags have to decide whether they should put up their graphic hood and hide their awesome hair or just brave it out. It's really insane.

So why make the topic of this graphic hoodies and not just hipsters in general? Well, it's because these stupid sweatshirts are the most recent way of ensuring everyone knows where one stands on the hipster ladder. They all fucking have them. The more obnoxious it is, the hipper you are. I've seen some with really stupid graphics. Money, buildings, shoes. What will be next? I say these people should just jump straight to wearing a hoodie that has the name of every hip band they have ever listened to on it, you know, like those basketball jeans with all the teams. Those jeans say "I like basketball. I like basketball so much that I will not just support one team, but I will support EVERY team, as long as it's a basketball team." Since hipsters can't decide for themselves what music they like, if they get a hoodie with every hip band, it will say, "I like being hip. In fact, I like the fact that people know I'm hip over whether or not I can think for myself and actually pick out good music, so I'll just wear this monstrosity that has every band Pitchfork said was cool on it." Maybe I'll sell this clothing. I could get rich off of Hipster A's parents' money. Sweet. Money is always better when you know it's someone's parent's.

So there you have it. That was my first rant. It felt good. It felt healthy. Plus, I managed to come up with a killer business plan while writing it. My next post will be from my yacht.